Redemption of a Rebel Heart with Andreanna Johnson, CCDS

The Moment I First Believed…

I got saved at a very young age, sitting around the kitchen table at my grandparents’ house. I remember my grandmother saying to me, “All you have to do is believe in your heart.” And at that moment I confessed my faith and accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. At 6 or 7 years old, I couldn’t even begin to understand the impact that this declaration would have on my life. I grew up believing in Jesus and trying to do the “right” thing throughout my teenage years. But as I became a young adult, like many others, I strayed away from God.

Not in the sense that I stopped believing in Him or His will for my life, but in that I lived a double life and kept my relationship with Him in the closet. I cared so much about having fun and being young that I purposely put things before God when he created me to desire Him.

In fact, it was more work (unnatural) to turn my back to Him than to follow that inclination that He had placed in me to follow Him. I knew from an early age that I was marked by God. He had given me eyes that see, ears that hear and a heart that understands Him (Matthew 13: 15-16). I went through my college years wrestling against this.

Tragedy

Then tragedy struck my Senior year. On December 10, 2013, just a few short months before I was set to graduate, my father became suddenly ill and passed away within a week. I had never experienced death this close to me. This came with so many emotions – sadness, guilt, anger, denial.

I was angry with God because I sat in that hospital prayed so hard for Him to heal my dad in those days. How could He just let him die? The most overwhelming emotion was ironically, numbness.

I walked around with a smile on my face because I didn’t want anyone to pity me.

People would say to me “Anna, I’m sorry to hear about your dad,” and I would just shrug it off with a smile and say, “Oh it’s okay!” But on the inside I was crumbling. I was saying to myself “don’t let your eyes water, keep smiling. No need to bring everyone around you down just because you’re going through something.”

I was more concerned about what other people thought of me than acknowledging what I was going through. I did not want to appear weak. You know the cliche, “fake it til you make it”? Well that became a reality for me.

For a long time, I never grieved my dad’s death. I suppressed my feelings and tried not to think about it too much. Little did I know, by trying not to appear weak and act as if I had it all together, I was only prolonging my healing process.

My weakness was something that God could actually work with. His power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). I had to surrender my cares to Him and in being weak before Him, He would provide me with strength.

Encounter Weekend 2015

In October 2015, my best friend invited me to her church retreat for the weekend. I immediately agreed to go because I hadn’t seen her in a long time. However as the weekend neared, I got increasingly nervous. I realized that I was going to be in the middle of nowhere in an intimate setting with other young women going through sessions and talking about encountering Jesus.

The night before I set on the phone with my friend and threw out several excuses of why I shouldn’t come. I don’t like cabins. I don’t know these people. I don’t want them in my business. I’ll be too tired to come. After she refuted all of these excuses, I reluctantly made the trip to Tennessee. I told myself, I’ll come but I won’t like it.

I drove from North Carolina and met my bestie in Knoxville so she could drive us there. We sang, laughed, and caught up to alleviate any residual nerves. We arrived just before the first session, but I could not have expected what would happen next. By the time the evening was over, I was balling my eyes out. I went on the rest of the weekend to encounter Jesus like never before.

He turned my heart, that had become a stone over the past few years, into a heart of flesh.

All of the barriers and walls that I had up because I thought I need to protect myself came tumbling down. I handed all of my burdens over to Him and for the first time, I had rest (Matt 11:28). I fully understood the love of Jesus and that it is His kindness, not wrath, that calls us to repent (Rom 2:4).

This season

As you probably gathered from the earlier part of my blog, I have a hard time being vulnerable and relinquishing control to God. Even after rededicating my life to Christ, this is a muscle that I still have to exercise and condition in order to strengthen it. God never said we as believers would live a carefree life, void of any problems. If fact, He warned us that would have MANY troubles.

In trying to internalize things and pretend that they don’t exist, I do more harm than good to myself and eventually I just shut down when all along, God wants me to cry out to Him.

In this season, God is telling me to draw nearer to Him by renewing my mind. As a man thinks in His heart, so is he. If I fix my thoughts on Him, when I go through tough times I don’t have to build up anxiety by trying to work it out in my own mind.

I can go straight to the source of my strength and cry out to Him. He will arm me with weapons that can take every thought that is contrary to Him and make it submit to the Word of God (2 Corinthians 10:5). My trust in Him gives me peace even in the midst of the storm (Isaiah 26:3).

The Impact of Grace

God’s grace has impacted me in every way imaginable. Without His grace I would literally be out of my mind trying to deal with every trial, test, difficulty that comes at me. I’ve come to learn that God’s grace is MORE than enough to bring me through any storm. All I need to do is rely on His power and not my own. Storms will continue to come but…

You and I can sit in the passenger seat as God guides.

He WILL sustain, provide, and lead us in His perfect will because His grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9).

With love,

Anna